THEY are some of the most eligible single ladies in the north of Scotland — and frankly ladies do not come much more single than this lot,
You will find them looking for love as they strut their stuff on stages from Aberdeen to Thurso with their unique sense of style and memorable — though not necessarily for the right reasons — dress sense.
We find out some of the secrets behind the ladies who prove there is nothing like a dame.
Name: Shirley Knot
Vital attributes: Humour, babysitting and a deep voice.
What I look for in a man: Wee, fat and loaded.
My idea of a good night out: A mince round.
Favourite chat up line: D’ye fancy lookin’ fur the sixpence in ma dumplings, big boy?
Best friends/worst enemies: Wills and Kate when I was nanny to Prince George/ Wills and Kate when they sacked me for not wiping up the Royal Wee.
My style icon: Vivienne Westwood/Wilma Flintstone
• Sleeping Beauty, starring Greg Powrie as Nanny Knot, is at the Empire Theatre, Eden Court, Inverness, until Sunday 5th January 2014.
RANDY AND MANDY HARDUP
Name: Randolphina Hardup
Vital attributes: my gorgeous figure
What I look for in a man: a pulse
My idea of a good night out: A good boogie at Mr Gs followed by a kebab on the way home
Favourite chat up line: Do you have a library card, because I’m checking you out!
Best friends/worst enemies:
My sister Mandolina/my step-sister Cinderella (she’s so ugly!)
My style icon: Hattie Jacques
Why I should be yours: Because I’m worth it!
Name: Mandolina Hardup
Vital attributes: Fulsome figure, good at walking in heels
What I look for in a man: a pulse!
My idea of a good night out: Burger King, bingo and a boogie.
Favourite chat up line: You’ve been a bad boy — go to my room!
Best friends/worst enemies: Any mirror/broken cameras
My style icon: Lady Gaga/Margaret Thatcher
Why I should be yours: Roses are red, violets are blue, I have a gun - get in the van!
• The Florians’ production of Cinderella, is at The Florians Theatre, Bught Lane, Inverness, until Saturday 14th December.
Name: Widow Twankey
Vital Attributes: I’m famed for my big hair, big eyes, and big, erm, smile?
What I look for in a man: There’s only one thing I love more than a man in uniform, and that’s a man out of uniform!
My idea of a good night out: I’m a bubbly girl looking for love in e laundrette. Ma idea of a good nicht oot would start wae a chicken vindaloo — hot and fiery just lek me, followed by a few glaesses of Lambrini — girls chust wanna have fun after all! Rounded off wae some karaoke and a kebab for a romantic walk home. If a man were till treat me till a first date lek iss I’d maybe be tempted till offer him something warm n full bodied at e end o e nicht — a coffee of course!
Favourite chat up line: You know a chiel once told me that standing next to me made him feel better aboot himsel, I took that as a big compliment, but a popular lassie lek masel disnae often need till use chat up lines, but I lek till make a special effort for a man in uniform. A few favourites include "I may no be a genie, but I can make your dreams come true" and "I hope ye ken CPR, cause you just took my breath away!"
Best Friends/Worst Enemies: My Wonderbra is ma best friend and cellulite and flat hair are ma worst enemies!
My Style Icon: I’m an eclectic lassie with a taste for figure hugging, thigh showing, cleavage enhancing, frilly frocks. I love shopping for a new look, and in particular I adore gowns by Florence & Fred, George and Primark. I reckon fashion should never be subtle and I hev been known till design and create my own pieces in ma laundrette. Ma creations are widely admired (oh yes they are!) and ma folk are talking till Victoria Beckham’s folk aboot a collaboration. I take inspiration from all walks of life, and ma style icons include Miley Cyrus, Lada Gaga and Tina Turner.
Why I should be yours: Ma motto is — there’s nae such thing as over e top, so if yer looking for some bubbly outrageous fun, then I’m yer man, ahem, I mean woman of course!
• Thurso Players’ Aladdin, written by TLC Creative and starring Andrew Crawford as Widow Twankey, is at Thurso High School from Wednesday 11th to Saturday 14th December.
Name: Nessie Hardup
Vital Attributes: A face like a coo’s backside and a boady like a sackful of spanners.
What I Look For In A Man: Big fermer’s hauns!
My Idea of A Good Night Out: A candlelit dinner of deep fried rowies, washed down with my favourite local cocktail, a Castlegait Four X. (A half pint of turps, with a dash of white spirit, a nip of paint stripper, and a wee skoosh of hairspray)
Favourite Chat Up Line: You’re just my type — breathing!
Best Friend: My even uglier sister, Morag the Toerag.
Worst Enemy: Cinderella!
My Style Icon: Dame Edna Everage
Why I Should Be Yours: Because I’d always shave before we snogged in case I gave you a ‘beardie’.
• Cinderella, starring Alan McHugh and Ian Stuart Robertson as the Ugly Sisters, runs at His Majesty’s Theatre, Aberdeen, until Sunday 5th January.